Chelsea FC and Liverpool FC, among other sides, have seen a week of frenetic off-field activity. Here’s a look between the lines.

Chelsea have finally reached a stage where the sale of Fernando Torres looks plausible. The International Criminal Court ruled Wednesday that forcing the Blues to endure the sight of Torres in their ranks was cruel and unusual punishment, and took the unprecedented step of absolving Chelsea of any feelings of guilt they might rake up by letting Torres leave, despite Roman Abramovich’s stern looks of admonishment.

AS Roma, a club that has failed to win the Serie A in eons and hopes to continue that proud tradition, have gladly agreed to trade a fully functional human being for Chelsea’s inanimate mannequin. To prove how serious they are in seeing the deal through, the Italian side has offered Destro, formerly Cobra Commander’s deputy. Chelsea look forward to welcoming a metal-faced Scottish super villain along with the Ten Plagues of Egypt into their midst, as long as it helps them get rid of Torres.

Meanwhile, Liverpool who have been dealing with a lack of bite up-front (not a reference to the departure of Luis Suarez) this summer have decided to deal with the turmoil in their team, by bringing in a calming influence. Enter Mario Balotelli whose exploits including asking the Queen of England for a kiss, while also ramming a car into the prison gates of a women’s penitentiary. As Brendan Rodgers pointed out, Liverpool discovered the only replacement for the barking madness of Luis Suarez was the clinical insanity of Mario Balotelli. When asked what the club intended to do if he failed to meet their expectations, Rodgers predicted they would sell him to Chelsea instead.

As Paul Scholes confirmed that he was concerned about Manchester United’s long-term future, his former captain Rio Ferdinand insisted that Manchester United would go on to win the Premier League title. When asked how anyone could possibly think that, Rio proceeded to insist the moon landings were faked, Elvis was still alive, 9/11 was an inside job and cats were taking over the world. As he was being restrained in a straitjacket and wheeled out of view, his manager at QPR Harry Redknapp still insisted he was the best talent at his side’s disposal.

Angel di Maria has reportedly told Real Madrid that he wants to leave the Champions League side and move elsewhere. Manchester United, who still firmly believe they are a big club, have automatically assumed this means he is seeking a move to Old Trafford, even though there are no indications that di Maria has turned suicidal. Reports coming in have confirmed that an agreement has been reached between United and Madrid. Both sides have agreed that there is no way this deal will ever take place.

Arsene Wenger - Arsenal manager | Napoli v Arsenal ai??i?? Team News, Tactics, Line-ups And Prediction | UEFA Champions LeagueBarcelona have been hit by a harsh ban from FIFA aimed at preventing the club from conducting any business over two transfer windows. This being FIFA, that unbiased purveyor of justice, everyone expects Barcelona to be let off with a stern warning and punitive measures against the rest of the La Liga instead. Barcelona have blamed everyone from General Franco to the Scientologists for this latest misfortune to befall them, ever since Xavi and Iniesta grew a year older since 2013.

Arsene Wenger has filed an urgent complaint with UEFA after an object was hurled at him, after Arsenal’s disappointing goalless draw with Besiktas in the Champions League. The Frenchman struggled to describe the object to authorities, as he called it a “bottle or something”. Further inspection revealed that it was actually a replica of the Premier League trophy. Since Wenger has not seen the trophy up close in ages, it is only natural the Gunners manager would call it an unidentified flying object.

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