In the end, Chelsea ended with quite the comfortable margin of victory over a toiling Wigan side. And like Rafa Benitez cleaning his spectacles, we’re suddenly blessed with the kind of insight into the game that has evaded Chelsea’s decision makers for ever.
Here’s an irreverent look at the things we learned from the game.
Fernando Torres Can Defy The Laws of Physics
Forget everything you’ve been taught about momentum. The Spaniard somehow found a way to stop a ball mid-air after it deflected off his shin for just long enough, to let Al-Habsi get up, dust himself, sign a few autographs, pose for a few snaps and ultimately, after a trip to the grocery, stop Torres’ attempt from going in.
It’s becoming increasingly apparent that Fernando Torres isn’t incapable of scoring; he’s just doing mankind a far greater service in the field of aeronautics. While the rest of us worry about the smaller things in life – all 3 points for example – Torres has got his eyes on things like perfecting slow flight.
Frank Lampard Is Every Employer’s Worst Nightmare
As far as we know, he doesn’t show up late for practice, or turn up drunk, or Balotelli his reputation. Yet, as any Chelsea board member will tell you, he’s their biggest headache. After over a decade of near-saintly behavior, an unpardonable crime in a club where lechery and air-rifles are the norm, Lampard has finally crossed the line by refusing to let his standards fall with increasing age.
By insisting on scoring headline-grabbing goals, when the team needs it the most, Lampard has proven just what an inconsiderate petty little man he is. Anyone knows the gentlemanly thing for him to do here, would be to string together a run of performances so poor that Torres comes out looking like a Ballon D’Or winner. Such a shame then, Lampard insists on making it hard for the board to get rid of him, by simply being the best player on the field.
David Luiz Is Out Of This World
There are few things you can take for granted in this world. And one of those things, is the reassuring knowledge that when David Luiz comes into contact with the ball, he’ll send it into orbit. It doesn’t matter if he’s 2 yards away from goal or 20, David Luiz only has eyes for whoever is unfortunate enough to be sitting in Seat 31K on the Matthew Harding Stand.
After months of target practice under the supervision of Ashley Cole, Chelsea’s resident archery expert, David Luiz realized he had a gift that deserved to be shared. His eyes light up whenever he sees the ball fall fortuitously in his path, despite the best efforts of his Chelsea teammates who work incredibly hard to keep it away from him.
Pretty soon the ball is walloped into the stands, and is duly handed back to the linesmen who takes special care to return the teeth that come with it.
Rafa Benitez Has A Poker Face
Benitez who spends his time on the sidelines losing to himself at tic tac toe, is woken out of his slumber every time Chelsea score a goal. Intent on proving the scored goal was all part of a master plan, Benitez refuses to show any emotion and instead proceeds to gesture animatedly at the players in a bid to convince us he’s preparing to execute the next stage of his plan.
The fact that no Chelsea player has ever bothered to turn in his general direction does not discourage him from making a public spectacle of himself. Demba Ba, unaccustomed to the traditions of Chelsea, tried to make sense of Benitez’s mimes and put them into practice only to be promptly rewarded by fate, with a broken nose.
Eden Hazard Can Aim Real Low
Hazard, who was at the receiving end of some withering criticism for trying to kick the ball from under the body of an obviously biased ball boy at Swansea’s Liberty Stadium, made sure his experience finally came of some use. Against Wigan Athletic, off a spectacular Azpilicueta cross that found him wedged in a tight spot, Hazard felt a rush of deja vu reminding him about the raging frustration that accompanied the memory of being sent off by Chris Foy.
Imagining Swansea’s version of Eric Cartman smothering the ball, Hazard channeled his focus – this time getting the ball, and not just lard. As the ball stayed low streaking past him into the net, Al-Habsi had precious little to do. So did Benitez, but he gestured animatedly nevertheless.