Manchester United have not taken Manchester City’s triumph too kindly. In fact, with Manchester City heading into the final game as clear favorites, Manchester United condemned the influx of money into the game and insisted a squad worth millions of dollars do not constitute a real team – a clear slap in the face of City whose final day squad was worth a whopping 161 million pounds. Having made their principled stand against money, the Red Devils then put out a team worth 169 million.

Chelsea who won the Champions League in Munich are reportedly looking for a new chief sponsor that best exemplifies the club. Among the favorites are world famous brands like Viagra – The miracle blue pill for the Blues, and Wellness Brief’s adult diapers for aging men. Also in the running is British Glass whose crack-resistant products have been credited with keeping out the best attempts from Bayern and Barcelona against the West London side.

John Terry and the Champions League

John Terry who was so tensed during the Champions League final against Bayern that his face turned as bright orange as the jersey he had on, was the most relieved person on the field after Drogba scored the winning penalty. Terry let out a scream of relief and delight and celebrated by doing what came naturally to him. Kneeing the nearest Barcelona product, Oriol Romeu, in the back.

Chelsea

Chelsea

That's one for the night

Chelsea

John Terry has been criticized by some for taking center-stage during the Champions League awarding ceremony, despite having played no part in the finals. When asked how he could celebrate something he wasn’t part of, John Terry insisted he felt he deserved to be part of the celebrations.

The former English captain is also scheduled to celebrate with the victor of the US Presidential elections in November. He has also marked his calendar for when North Korea successfully fires its next ballistic missile, and has also kindly offered to burst into tears on stage at the next Miss World pageant.

Di Matteo and Abramovich

Doubts still remain as to whether Roberto Di Matteo will still be in charge at Chelsea next season. An overjoyed Roman Abramovich has reportedly told the club, that after their first Champions League triumph, they could actually afford to take the next season lightly. He reportedly told them there’d be absolutely no pressure to perform at the highest levels, and even failing to qualify for the Champions League next season would be forgiven. On hearing that, Rafa Benitez expressed interest in being Chelsea’s next manager saying he would love to be part of a club with “realistic and achievable” targets.

Later that day, with Roman Abramovich still in a generous mood, the Russian offered Roberto Di Matteo an honor that he had never bestowed to any other previous manager of his club. He publicly proclaimed, for the first time ever he was going to let the manager complete his tenure. When Di Matteo pointed out his tenure lasted only till June, Roman reportedly said “Yes, and you’re welcome”.

Over at Barcelona…

Pep Guardiola’s successor Tito Vilanova is expected to lead Barcelona on the same successful path that his predecessor was widely appreciated for. Tito’s appointment has been warmly welcomed by the footballing world. Michel Platini called it “heart-warming”, Sepp Blatter called it “mouth-watering”, Arsene Wenger called it “mind-boggling” and Sir Alex Ferguson called it “skin-tingling”. Not to be outdone, Jose Mourinho who shares a very close touchy-feely relationship with Vilanova called his appointment “eye-opening”.

Fernando Torres has shocked Chelsea by going public with his disappointment at being left out of the Champions League starting line-up. He reportedly demanded he be told what purpose he is expected to fulfill in the side. On being told his obvious purpose as a striker was to score goals, Torres then demanded “What’s the purpose of that rectangular frame in the field, with a net on it?

The saga of Torres

Fernando Torres has received a call back to the Spanish national squad along with Chelsea teammate Juan Mata, but on the face of it, the Spaniard has clearly not been too thrilled with Roberto Di Matteo’s continued insistence on starting with Drogba. As rumors abounded that Fernando Torres might decide to quit the West London side, Chelsea CEO Ron Gourlay publicly rubbished those reports claiming “Torres is going nowhere. Just like his career“.

Chelsea

Chelsea

Try scoring goals now, ok?

Chelsea

This just in – Didier Drogba has left Chelsea after 8 long years with the club, having won everything there is to win with The Blues. For his part Fernando Torres wished him well, but mentioned he was glad to finally move up the ladder of Chelsea’s most favored strikers. As it stands, with Drogba leaving, Torres is now just behind Gary Cahill and David Luiz, and has vowed to wait till they retire before finally making it as Chelsea’s first-choice striker.

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2 Responses to “THT Travesty – Of Chelsea, Terry, Torres And More”

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  1. Shivam says:

    Funny as ever! This lampoon was quite eye-opening 😀