‘TheHardTackle Satire’ is a semi-regular column which takes potshots at anything and anyone even remotely associated with football. With no pretensions about wanting to be taken seriously, ‘TheHardTackle Satire’ parodies, lampoons and jests at the people who make the beautiful game tick – both on and off the field.

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It should’ve been a boring summer on the club football front, as clubs plot and muddle their way through contract negotiations and transfer deals, with precious little to show on the field. But somebody forgot to tell the erstwhile Big 4 of the Premier League that. You wouldn’t know it was off season by the way these clubs have garnered so much attention in the press.

Chelsea Celebrate Terry Verdict

And so the tumultuous court proceedings over John Terry’s alleged racially aggravated offense against Anton Ferdinand ended with Chelsea’s captain being exonerated. Terry’s defense successfully convinced the chief magistrate Howard Riddle at Westminster magistrates court, that Chelsea’s captain may have misheard Anton Ferdinand’s taunts about Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend as an accusation of him making a racial slur.

To corroborate their point, the defense played video clips showing previous instances where John Terry had misheard or failed to hear stuff. Those include the times he thoughtAi?? he was called up to receive Chelsea’s Champions League trophy, even when he had absolutely nothing to do with the triumph. And also when he openly celebrated with Spain after their victory at the Euros, after genuinely believing his name was called out among the winners.

Chelsea

Chelsea

Terry Ecstatic At Helping Spain Win

Chelsea

The defense also claimed this would explain why Andre Villas-Boas – who hated anyone with footballing experience – never succeeded in dropping John Terry from the Chelsea starting line-up, like he did with Lampard and Ashley Cole. The defense insisted that despite Villas-Boas’ screaming at Terry that he was being benched for a game, the skipper would turn around and claim to have never heard anything he said.

Satisfied with the explanation, the magistrate immediately declared John Terry innocent, declared Anton Ferdinand a “$%@!$% knobhead” and then banned Luis Suarez for 5 games just for the heck of it.

Arsenal Stunned By van Persie Betrayal

Robin van Persie – who leaves when he wants – has broken Arsenal hearts by having his agents draw up plans for a shocking move to Manchester United. Privately, Arsene Wenger is said to be dismayed and hurt, while he publicly chooses to maintain there remains a chance van Persie will stay. But Wenger has a poor record with predictions; the last time he predicted his side would win the Premier League, gullible Gooners held their breath in anticipation for so long that there were mass fainting spells at the Emirates Stadium.

Chelsea

Never Say Wenger

Chelsea

Manchester United Smell A Deal

Manchester United on the other hand are thrilled at the idea of having van Persie join them. Sir Alex Ferguson claimed van Persie might be just the man they needed to complete the squad. To be specific, he is extremely hopeful the injury-prone Dutchman will fill the gaping void Owen Hargreaves left in the Manchester United medical room. Manchester City, for their part, have respectfully withdrawn their offer for the striker. It is understood they intend to make a move for him a couple years later, after United have spent a fortune replacing all of van Persie’s internal organs with better ones.

Abramovich Chats Up Schweinsteiger

Roman Abramovich was seen rewarding Bastian Schweinsteiger with extra attention at the German Euro 2012 training camp. Associates of the Russian billionaire have denied that Abramovich made the German an offer, even as the Russian was seen shaking hands with Schweinsteiger and gifting him a suitcase stuffed with money. When asked to explain what everyone in the press circles so clearly saw, Abramovich insisted the media were reading too much into a gesture and that he was merely rewarding Schweinsteiger for bottling the penalty that gifted Chelsea the Champions League trophy.

When pressed for answers Chelsea’s directors confirmed their version of the event was the same as that of their owner. They denied Schweinsteiger would play for Chelsea next season, insisted they would deny it all summer long and helpfully hinted they would continue to deny it even after Schweinsteiger scores his first goal for the Blues.

Chelsea

Rodgers' Captors Demand Ransom

Chelsea

Liverpool Find Their Man And…

Over at Merseyside, Liverpool struggled to fill the vacant position of chief lawnmower in charge of grass upkeep at Anfield. For a little while, it looked like Didier Drogba might be interested in the job but that was only because he thought lawn mowing was a euphemism for diving. The position was finally filled when the sole applicant – a lost tourist from Northern Ireland called Brendan Rodgers – stumbled into Anfield’s offices one morning, after a night of heavy partying.

As Rodgers came to his senses and read what he’d signed, he insisted his captors at Anfield set him free. They instead offered to sweeten the deal by also giving him the vacant Liverpool manager spot, and after plying him with even more drinks, got Rodgers to agree. Rafa Benitez, was once again bitterly disappointed, as his application was turned down. It turns out he’d forgotten to affix his signature on the last page of the application form, in two spots. Once again, the Spaniard was just two signings short.

Spurs Lose Theirs

Spurs defender Ledley King has called it quits and put it down to a long battle with recurring injuries. Tottenham Hotspur owe a great deal of gratitude to the defender for his many years of service to the club. When newly appointed manager Andre Villas-Boas was asked for his opinion, he shrugged his shoulders and thanked Ledley King for taking himself out of the equation and added “that’s one less 30-year-old for me to bench” before looking at Scott Parker.

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