This is a mock interview with Arsene Wenger, the manager of Arsenal Football Club.
TheHardTackle wants to remind readers that this interview is a piece of fiction and is purely out of jest. It doesn’t intend to hurt the feelings of fans, clubs, managers and players mentioned in the article. For the overtly cynical fans, you can give this a miss.
In the interview ->SM – Sounak Mukherjee (Myself); AW – Arsene Wenger
SM: Arsene, It is an absolute pleasure to interview you once again for our website!
SM: Arsene, I won’t be beating around the bush; I’ll directly get into the most important subject at Arsenal right now. Do you think he will play with us next season?
AW: Of course, he will. He has been a life-long Gooner and is very young; his father has been a life-long Gooner too. The players have made too much fun about his new hair-style, including Song (chuckles) but he has taken it positively and has promised to come up with a better cut.
SM: Whom are you referring to, Arsene? I was, quite obviously, asking about Robin van Persie!
AW: Ohh, my bad; I thought, it was Carl Jenkinson you were talking about.
SM: No issues, so, will the captain stay with Arsenal?
AW: Do you journalists even listen to what the family of these players has to say? Bob has clearly mentioned he won’t join Manchester City or to any other English club for that matter. Bouchra loves her life in England and goes out shopping quite regularly with Vermaelen and his wife. They are happy, van Persie is happy, we are happy.
SM: Arsene, that part is fine, but how are you (or the Arsenal Football club) ensuring that van Persie will definitely stay and sign a new contract with Arsenal?
AW: Ahh, now you are just playing with words. You asked me if he will stay, not if he will sign a new contract! He will definitely stay this season, that I can guarantee.
SM: Aren’t you concerned about letting him go for free next season, like you did in the case of Flamini?
AW: Ahh, there lies the catch! Have you ever seen van Persie staying fit for one complete season, let alone two seasons? He will most certainly not have another brilliant season with the club and stay fit for the entire season. I have already bought Podolski and Giroud to fill up that slot. And moreover, he will be 30 next season; he won’t be so attractive to other clubs any more.
SM: Arsene! That is a huge risk, ain’t it? Isn’t giving him a 135K/week contract and three top-class signings a better way to go about it?
AW: Do you have a degree in Economics? No, right? I do! If I give 135 to van Persie, Alex Song will keep on calling me all night for an increase in his pay-check. He already does that and I can’t tolerate it.
SM: Doesn’t Song earn around 75K per week, which is very decent giving his age and experience?
AW: No, that is his projected earnings, he earns only 5K/week along with daily food supplies to his pet dogs back home, but that is not the point. These kids don’t understand. We are running a football club here, not a charity! We need to earn profits, we need to keep the shareholders happy, we need to make Arsenal a benchmark in modern day financial health of football clubs.
SM: Well, then moving ahead, how have you ensured the situation with Theo Walcott is fine, is he signing a new contract?
AW: Two words. Roy Hodgson.
SM: I didn’t follow; can you elucidate further?
AW: Throughout the Euros, I have kept in touch with Hodgson and have requested him not to start Theo and start the good-for-nothing James Milner. If Theo starts, he performs well, he attracts buyers. If he doesn’t start, nobody gets attracted, nobody wants to buy him. He has a relatively high salary and didn’t have a great season at Arsenal last year. So, he, now stays and signs for us. Period.
SM: Now, coming to the most important issue at Arsenal. After the last 7 years of trophy drought, how are you ensuring that you are finally going to win some silverware this season?
AW: I don’t understand how Emirates Cup is not silverware to you guys. It is ware, it is made of silver. Anywho, moving on, the most important thing is, we need to believe. I don’t think the team believes in what they need to believe. They need to sit down and channelize all their positive energy towards what they need to believe in and what they don’t need to believe in. It is a bit complicated, but it will be straight-forward if you just blindly follow my instructions and not worry about salaries, trophies and other such materialistic possessions.
SM: So, you are telling me, that trophies don’t matter, but doesn’t it motivate players? Doesn’t it aid them to believe in the club and their team-mates?
AW: No, you have got that absolutely wrong. Before winning trophies with Arsenal, did Patrick win trophies with Arsenal? No! Before winning trophies with Arsenal, did Tony win trophies with Arsenal? No! Before winning trophies with Arsenal, did Nasri win trophies with Arsenal? No!
SM: Ahh, Arsene, Nasri didn’t win trophies with Arsenal, he left and immediately won with Manchester City, so….
AW: ….Money is the root-cause of all evil in society. It makes you blind, makes you commit a sin. Look at Alexandre Hleb. Have you even heard of Krylia Sovetov Samara? That is where he is plying his trade nowadays; he didn’t believe in the Arsenal system, now he suffers. As you sow, so shall you reap, beautiful words from the late Herbert Chapman.
SM: Uhmm, those words are from the Bible actually. Anywho, moving on, final question; your thoughts about the new owner? How has he helped in development of this football club?
AW: Great guy! His diversity in stake-holding makes him such a versatile man when it comes to thinking about the progress of Arsenal Football club. Metals, Iron-Ores, Media, Arsenal, Dinamo Moscow, you name it, you get it. He is passionate about what he does, he had to be the obvious choice for ownership.
SM: Arsene, I think you are misinformed. Usmanov is not the owner, I was asking about Sta….
AW: You guys need to know about everything in football from me, as if I am a professor of football. Marouane Chamakh is the only guy who has reported for training every day during the Euros. I need to get going, I need to make him believe in himself and the club. God Speed!