Carlo Ancelotti courted controversy after the first leg loss to Man Utd, by snidely remarking that it would take a referee with a lot of character and courage to award a penalty in the dying minutes of the game. The English FA called an emergency meeting to deliberate over the matter. After a two-hour session, the board unanimously decided that Ancelotti was guilty, and that as punishment Sir Alex Ferguson would be banned for five games.

Crossing The Line

Jose Mourinho’s run of never having experienced a defeat in 9 years at home, has finally ended. The Portuguese maestro has refused to accept defeat and has insisted that he was kidnapped a day prior to the game, and replaced with an impostor. The Madrid police have confirmed that they are taking these allegations very seriously, especially in light of proof that the Mourinho at the press conference acted weirdly and out of character. When asked to elaborate, the police released footage of the fake Mourinho praising Gijon’s manager Preciado and congratulating the entire Gijon squad in their dressing room.

Real Madrid won a lot of hearts after their demolition of Tottenham Hotspur. The Galacticos cheered up the visiting fans by turning on the giant screen to telecast a repeat of the Spurs come-from-behind victory over Arsenal in the Premier League. Not to be outdone, Barcelona thumped Shakhtar Donetsk and then tried to cheer up the visiting fans by turning on the sprinklers. This is keeping in line with Barcelona’s club tradition of fleecing anyone – including UNICEF.

Giving Them The Finger

In the aftermath of the Rooney ban, the FA has decreed that it will henceforth monitor players’ conversations for perceived prejudices and opinions against match officials. This is only the first of draconian measures intended to introduce a greater sense of morality in the players. Among other measures proposed are hidden cameras meant to spy on players’ private lives. Arsene Wenger has refused to comment, but is understood to be upset at this invasion in his area of expertise.

The Mirror Football’s lip readers have actually unearthed the shocking secret that expletive usage is quite common in the English league, even with Wayne Rooney nowhere near the field. On the Mirror Football list of ignominy for dishing out verbal abuse by the truckload are Joey Barton, Mick McCarthy, Pat Rice and Jermaine Beckford. Also added to the list as a wildcard entry was Ray Wilkins – whose commentary for the Spurs-Madrid clash was identified as the cause of a national ear-bleeding epidemic. Incidentally, the lip readers initially refused to ply their art with regard to identifying the players’ use of expletives without additional payment. Their original contract only specified they would be required to make sense of Fergie’s press conferences.

To Chelsea’s credit, not one of their players was found guilty of uttering the dreaded four-letter f-word. This is in keeping line with Chelsea’s motto – Why Say It, When You Can Do It?

The Return Of Benitez

Rafa Benitez decided to announce his willingness to return to coaching clubs in the EPL. The news was received favorably, and all current twenty managers in the league received contract extensions.

AC Milan achieved a crucial triumph over their arch rivals Inter Milan by a comfortable margin of three goals. What made the occasion even more special for the Milanese, were they managed to achieve this feat even with Robinho in their side.

The star performer for Manchester United in their triumph over Chelsea was the bionic man, Ryan Giggs, who’s been exercising his latest installed limbs to great effect. Also starring in their win was Javier Hernandez, who also goes by the pseudonym of The Little Pea. This is not to be confused with The Little Pee, a medical condition affecting the human bladder.

Winners Are Born, Not Made

Charlie Sheen and Chelsea FC seem to have a lot in common, on the surface. They’re both staring down the barrel. Both their performances have been unpredictable, and both make headlines for their alcohol-fueled sexual escapades. Both don’t even see eye-to-eye with their managers. And yet, there remains one fundamental difference. Charlie Sheen is “winning”.