It’s been a much improved few weeks in European club football with the advent of the UEFA Champions League. The goals have been pouring in, the insults have been flying in thick and fast, the punches have been thrown and the kicks have been delivered.

Our lead story comes from that home of high fashion and old men, West London.

In a bid to counter allegations that Chelsea had no history, Roman Abramovich commissioned massive archaeological digs all over England. The diggers ended up finding nothing, which confirmed everyone’s suspicions that Chelsea FC simply did not exist prior to 2003. The digs, however, unearthed a veritable treasure trove of documents the likes of which had not been seen since Dan Brown discovered the Dead Sea scrolls in his backyard.

Any suggestions that football is a relatively newer game were soon put to rest, when among the treasures unearthed were several cave paintings depicting the beautiful game in its earlier avatars. Some of the paintings seem to depict a local strongman of prehistoric England, and archaeologists have tentatively named him Fergus of Mancunia. The multicolored Fergus is depicted as shockingly throwing footwear at his players’ heads.

Cave Painting - Fergus And The Flying Footwear

Although the archaeologists, coincidentally Gunners all of them, strenuously denied allegations the naming had anything to do with taking a swipe at Sir Alex Ferguson, this newspaper took it on itself to reach the Scotsman for a comment. His office released a tersely-worded statement reading,

It is unfortunate our client’s past has come back to haunt him, in the form of paparazzi cave paintings. We’ve all done stupid things in our past and throwing footwear was a natural medium of expression in Sir Alex’s younger days.

The cave-paintings and scrolls have revealed that the English country side was often subject to horrific attacks from the Iberian Peninsula, which is now modern day Spain. The chief of these threats were posed by a midget army standing no taller than 4 feet each, headed by an especially devious lightly-bearded, bald-headed man called Pe’p. The midget army is reported to have also followed strange customs that included ransacking the ships of other smaller pirate organizations and refusing to give them their share. The midget army that is yet to be named, painted their ships hulls with their motto that loosely translates to “look how pretty we are“.

Not everyone is pleased with the findings, however. Frank Lampard has taken offense at suggestions that a bunch of fat figures etched on a cave entrance may have been his ancestors. He has threatened to phone up every radio station in the country with a well-thought out rebuttal.

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In other news, Nicola Rizzoli, the official in charge of refereeing the Arsenal-Barcelona Champions League encounter, has admitted that he showed Song an early yellow card only because he found his hairdo disgusting. Song, who chose to sport a yellow head and a yellow beard, looked to most neutral observers like someone had thrown up on his head.

Sticking with oral projectiles, Tiger Woods was fined for spitting on the green during the Dubai Desert Classic. A gloating Cesc Fabregas immediately tweeted –

I would never get fined for spitting, but Tiger Wood

Tiger Would?

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In our Entertainment section tonight, we take you to Buckingham Palace.

With the impending nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton, the football world’s Who’s Who have all received invites to the highly sought after royal event. Rafa Benitez remains a high-profile exclusion from the list, and it was initially understood to have been a deliberate snub. However, sources close to Buckingham Palace maintain his invite was rescinded only because the Spaniard forgot to affix his signature to the guest registration form in two places.

Yet again, Rafa was found to be two signings short of making it to the big leagues.

Hit Me Baby... Two More Times

In a nod to the prominence of the English Premier League, English footballers will be seated in the most coveted spots during the ceremony. The truly prominent stars will also be handed special public responsibilities, with Frank Lampard expected to make a toast and Wayne Rooney positioned outside to deal with the hooligans from his extended family. Steven Gerrard was handed the responsibility of playing music on the jukebox, after reportedly threatening to punch the Queen.

In a sign of how far the times have changed, Wayne Rooney has offered to tweet images of the wedding to any United supporter who still hasn’t forgiven him. Taking a cue, Ashley Cole has offered to tweet nude pictures of himself to all Chelsea fans who blame him for the loss against Everton.

The Royal Couple

In a bid to repair his public image, Andy Gray was offered the opportunity to be the lead bridesmaid. When he threw a fit and called it a task fit only for a woman, the Feminists Association of Greenwich accused of him being an unrepentant sexist.

The English government’s has strengthened its campaign against multiculturalism, which it blames for ghetto mentalities and homegrown terror. British Prime Minister, David Cameron, pulled off a coup by tapping Sir Alex Ferguson to espouse British values on air with him. After Ferguson had finished explaining his views on the pressing need to maintain one common culture and imbibe a feeling of national unity, Cameron turned to the camera and stressed just how much he agreed with “whatever this old kilt-wearing, bagpipe-playing, red-faced Scottish geezer just said”.

This just in: Ashley Cole has reportedly shot a student at Chelsea’s training facility. The club has refused to comment so far, but Roman is said to be thrilled that at least one of his players has a shot on target. The Russian is said to be lining up a renewed contract for Ashley Cole, as chief striker for the club. Drogba’s agent just said that his client would protest by refusing to train with the rest of the team.