It was 9 am, and the attendees were slowly making their way into the conference room at The Dorchester, in London. The mood of the attendees was grim, albeit seemingly determined.

Arsene Wenger looked pensive, as he stared past Mourinho, who was just making his way into the room, with an entourage of stuffed suits. The seat reserved for Sir Alex Ferguson was still empty, but the rest of the who’s who of European football were all present.

Michel Platini sat at the head of the table, shuffling his papers before clearing his throat –

“Gentlemen, thank you for making it here on such short notice. We’re facing a threat, the kind of which, we have never seen in our lifetimes. Barcelona have just won the Club World Cup, knocking Santos out 4-0.”

 

The Dorchester Conference Room

 

Fists were clenched around the table, lips were pursed and Ancelotti’s eyebrow was raised. Platini continued, “Time has run out. We need to use this opportunity in front of us to come up with a plan that will effectively save football from Catalan domination”.

Mourinho slammed his fist on the desk -Ai??“How can we be sure everyone here shares the same objective? Some of you act like youai??i??re in cahoots with Barcelona. Arsene here sells them his best player on the cheap. Fergie manages to lose to Pep every time. And Platini goes out of his way to help Barcelona cement their domination of Europe”

Michel seemed angry at the jibe – “How dare you question my commitment to this cause? I have spent the last several years trying my best to thwart Pep and his men.”

Allegri spoke up next -Ai??“Look, you can’t be trusted. As president of UEFA, you had countless opportunities to wreck their rise. Warm balls, long trips across the breadth of the continent, difficult opponents… and yet here they are on their 13th triumph in 16 ventures”.

Platini protested over the din that had erupted in the conference room “It’s not like I haven’t tried! Theyai??i??ve bested me at every battle. I even tried putting up one of those ai???you-haveai??i??to-be-this-tallai??i?? signs from amusement parks as a Champions League criterion to get rid of Barcaai??i??s boys.”

 

Platini - Leader Of The Pack

 

Mourinho countered “If you had tried, if you were truly fighting them, how do you explain the fact they ended up stronger after each of your attempts? If you were actively putting this plan in action, how could you fail each time?”

“I’m French”, Platini shrugged.

Villas-Boas spared the UEFA president, further discomfort by interjecting – “The problem is Barcelona have become more than a team. They’re like a single organism that lives, breathes and thinks as one. We must wreck the dressing room at the Camp Nou, like I’ve managed to at Stamford Bridge”.

Ancelotti nodded in agreement, “True. They weren’t this fearsome when they had Deco mucking about their stadium, poisoning the atmosphere. We need to introduce an agent of chaos there. A kind of soul so dark it spreads misfortune and unhappiness in its wake”

Everyone was silent in thought, before Mancini yelled “Tevez! Get your ungrateful butt in here”.

Tevez who was loitering about outside after having caused a fight between the hotel staff, was only glad to be called in, and gladly stood by as everyone heai??i??d dealt with insisted he was the man for the job. Villas-Boas wasn’t convinced – “Look I’ve dealt with Anelka, and Lampard’s begun to sulk even more than he did. So how can we be sure Tevez is the right man to introduce in there?”

 

Tevez - A Pain In The Posterior

 

Tevez seemed offended there wasn’t a unanimous decision in his favor “Look, keep me benched for life. I can take that. But it hurts when you question my skills at harnessing negative energy in a confined space. I did it at All Boys, at West Ham, at United, at City and I can do it Barcelona.”

The conference attendees buzzed in excitement at Tevezai??i??s proposal. Suddenly derailing Barcelona was a real possibility.

Arsene Wenger, raised his hand and motioned to Platini that he wanted to be next to speak -Ai??“The dressing room is fine to start things off, but we need a plan that ensures the rot sets in right from the top.”

Platini seemed interested -Ai??“You mean from the board down? The manager himself?”

Arsene nodded -Ai??“I have it on good account that Pep wants to retire. We need someone pliable to replace him. And Barcelona shouldnai??i??t suspect a thingai???

Platini thought about it for a while, rubbing his chin before offering a suggestion ai???Perhaps, it should be you Arsene. Your footballing philosophy is the closest to Barcelona of anyone in this room. You share the same attack-mindedness and a determination to play the beautiful game, but without Pepai??i??s obsession to win trophies”

Arsene seemed pleased with the comparison, without realizing he was being ribbed. Before he could add his own assessment of his abilities to Platini’s take, he was interrupted.

 

Ferguson(c)newspage.co

Late To The Party

 

The doors swung open as Fergie made his way to his seat, nodding in acknowledgment at everyone seated. Patrice Evra followed in his manager’s footsteps, looking dour faced as ever.

“We could have done with your inputs too, Sir Alex” – Platini purred, trying to get on the Scotsman’s good side, hoping he wasn’t too mad at Manchester United’s exclusion from the Champions League.

“This whole meeting is moot”, Fergie cut him off. “I’ve already dealt with Barcelona. They’re finished, this season”. Evra proudly nodded in agreement.

The attendees looked incredulously at each other. Fergie continued nonchalantly “Barcelonaai??i??s finished. Messi’s been banned for the remainder of the season. Charges of racism are to be filed against him”.

Platini looked just as stunned as the others – “How did you manage that?”

Fergie responded “It was simple really. First, I just got Patrice here, to stand within earshot of Messi”.

“And then… I asked young Lionel, how he wanted his coffee.”

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3 Responses to “THT Travesty – The Conference On Beating Barcelona”

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  1. abbas011 says:

    Nice laugh there. Let’s hope you don’t get sued for libel for this, though.

  2. Vadim Furmanov says:

    Not very realistic. Carlos Tevez can’t speak English.

  3. J Mathew says:

    The last part cracked me up!!