It’s been a busy first week for European football, with most stars relishing the prospect of taking to the field after a well-deserved summer break, except for Tottenham Hotspur’s stars who clearly made the most of their summer by rioting in the streets and helping themselves to luxury goods which were gladly payed for by the taxpayer.

Mourinho Wins Nobel Prize For Medicine

We start our round-up with news from Madrid, where Jose Mourinho is ecstatic at being named this year’s winner of the highly sought-after Nobel Prize for Medicine. Like all great discoveries, this discovery of his came about purely by accident despite Mourinho’s unrelenting insistence he was fully aware of what he was doing. Experts hail Mourinho’s method as making LASIK laser eye operations obsolete. Mourinho’s method is a highly invasive procedure and involves poking his fault-finding finger in the patient’s eye with no provocation.

 

Mourinho pokes Villanova in the eye as Borat looks on

The first recipient of the boons of this revolutionary technique was Barcelona’s deputy coach Vilanova who gladly offered his eye to be poked around, in the name of medicine. Vilanova who, like the rest of the Barcelona squad, suffers from the crippling Make-Yourself-Trip syndrome (not to be confused with Make-Your-Trip, the travel agency), had often blamed their penchant of tumbling over on poor eyesight.

When asked whether he had coined a name for this operation, Mourinho, who is exceptionally good at calling others names, indicated he was leaning towards calling it Mourinho’s Eye Surgery – Surgical Invasion. Other names suggested include Light Amplified      Mourinho’s Allopathic Stimulating Invasive Action.

This is not the first time a Spanish side has been at the forefront of medical advancement. Barcelona were credited with using their DNA analyzing prowess during the late ’90s and successfully aiding investigators on the Monica Lewinsky scandal. While most science labs had claimed there was not enough conclusive evidence the human stains on Monica’s Lewinsky’s dress belonged to President Clinton, Barcelona’s medical staff proved it beyond a doubt.

 

Barcelona's DNA recognition expert at work

Unlike other clubs that rely on talent scouts to find newer players for their sides, Barcelona rely on their advanced medical team to hunt down players with Barcelona’s DNA in them. This ability of theirs to identify even the slightest traces of DNA has come in handy several times, most notably in finding obscure family links between the club and other superstars it has no relation to.

Barcelona have also proven adept at erasing their DNA from players and places they no longer wish to be associated with. These risky operations were carried out on Deco and Ibrahimovic, who both went through a Jason Bourne phase upon being evicted from Barcelona. Players are instructed not to reveal the findings of Barcelona’s DNA tests, and Fabregas who claimed Wenger was his father, after he’d left Arsenal, was immediately put through a paternity test by Barcelona’s DNA experts who then refuted his claims.

Andre Villas-Boas Confident Of Job Security

Andre Villas Boas was said to be quite confident in the security of his position even after the disappointing draw to Stoke and less than impressive win over West Brom. His confidence, said to border on cockiness, has been traced to his knowledge that the only other available coach remaining out there is Rafa Benitez. He plans to draw the next few games, and lead Chelsea to an 8th place finish this season, and expects to be rewarded with a massive salary raise for his efforts.

De Gea Spared Ferguson’s Boot

Manchester United once again called up their most prolific scorer Owen Ghoul to bail them out of trouble against West Brom. Owen Ghoul who is often credited in the scoring charts with his initials “o.g.” popped up in the nick of time just when Sir Alex Ferguson had untied his bootstraps, and was looking at flinging his footwear at De Gea.

 

Fergie bending to take off his boots

After one of Arsenal’s worst starts to a season, owner Stan Kroenke called for a press conference in which he stressed the importance of team sprit, showing maturity and insisting stupidity would no longer be tolerated. In unrelated news, Almunia has said he no longer feels welcome at the club.

Harry Redknapp’s Tottenham Hotspur who have a history of bending over to Manchester United and letting the Red Devils having their way with them, are taking their upcoming clash very seriously. They are reportedly training very hard with the express intention of injuring themselves during training and handing over all 3 points to Manchester United without even a semblance of a fight. Harry Redknapp has vowed to do everything in his power, including letting Crouch play for 90 minutes, and selling Modric off, to let United win this encounter.

That’s our roundup for this week. Do join us next time, as we bring you the latest from European club football.