All artwork listed here is property of Bill Watterson, and sourced from Calvin and Hobbes – the comic strip.

 

Dad, who is Sir Alex Ferguson?

Sir Alex “Fergie” Ferguson is many things depending on whom you ask. Most biologists believe he was the first of the mammals, who went on a winning spree after having survived the meteorite that wiped out the dinosaurs. Over several millenia he learned that spherical objects are best kicked about, as opposed to using them as projectiles when hunting. He would later go on to discover that footwear served the latter purpose much better.

He went on to coach Manchester United, which was Manchester’s local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. United fans in their drunken haze see him as a divine incarnation. True Blues and Gunners see him as a the destroyer of their best laid plans. Liverpool see him as molten evil walking around in human form. To Wrigley’s, however, he is simply their biggest customer.

 

What’s the difference between the EPL and UEFA?

The EPL is played in England, likewise the other nations have their leagues with 20 odd teams. Spain unfortunately has only two teams in their league. The other 18 are fairy-tale myths created to fool kids like you. Like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and global warming. Anyway, the best in each of these countries fight each other for domination of the European continent, through football, since the Europeans have had enough of World Wars and America refuses to lend them any more money.

What’s the Kop, dad?

Just a bunch of uniformed men, who drive around in cars with sirens and help maintain peace and order. They even help young kids like you cross the road.

 

How often does the English Premier League take place?

That would depend. The EPL takes place once a year once, for most teams. Liverpool, however, have not played in the EPL since 1990.

Which is the best team in the world?

Chelsea’s the best. Nobody can achieve what the Blues have, with the constant turmoil at the club. A stable Chelsea will win every bit of silverware for the next century. This of course, is poor sportsmanship which flies against the old Soviet doctrine of spreading misery around equally. This is why Chelsea’s Russian owner himself sabotages the club.

 

Dad, who do you think ought to be Chelsea’s next manager?

Chairman Mao. They need to target the Chinese market.

Why are Barcelona so well-liked?

They’re more than a club, and they never let anyone forget it. Instead of corporate sponsors they have UNICEF emblazoned on their jerseys. Their players model free of charge for the WHO. Their stadium proceeds go towards maintaining UNESCO heritage sites. And they turn on the sprinklers to save the Amazon forest.

 

What’s the home-grown rule for players, dad?

Well, this is a tricky one to explain since you’re still a kid. It basically states that if you play in the EPL, you can’t smoke any “plant” that hasn’t been grown at home. Adrian Mutu found out the hard way, just how strict this rule was.

 

Don’t clubs purchase players like groceries? So isn’t it all about money power?

Yes, it’s money power that determines which team is best. Since cheering the names of currencies out loud can mess with the stock market and the foreign exchange rate, we cheer money-fueled clubs instead.

 

How did the game start?

The origin of the game was quite humble. Despite man’s evolution, we’re still very territorial. Someway along the way men learned to kick spherical objects, and figured it could be an excuse to get intoxicated, abuse each other and not go home to their angry wives. That’s the game’s history in brief.

Once you’re old enough to check inappropriate content on the Internet and accidentally stumble onto Wikipedia, you’ll probably read long stories of how some men created the sport and its clubs and leagues so that they could join hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’ around the campfire. Don’t believe a word of that.

 

Why did the police arrest our neighbor during last night’s soccer game?

It turns out he told people something on Twitter that he shouldn’t have.

 

What was that, dad?

Uhh…