Dear AVB,

Sunday morning must have sucked for you. Right now, you must be feeling like how an Arsenal fan is supposed to. Or like how bin Laden did when he heard his doorbell ring. The newspaper clipping I enclosed here invites funny captions for this image. I sent one that goes “Caution: Slippery When Wet”. I hope I win.

Cheer up. The important thing to note is, like a stubborn kidney stone, this moment too will pass. If this is any consolation, you need look no further than the guy in the mirror for someone to blame. Why on earth would you try to out-Arsenal Arsenal? They’re terrible at defending; so they attack all day long, pretend itai??i??s a deliberate strategy on their part, and then slap on the ‘beautiful game’ tag to avoid questions. And yet you thought it would be a good idea to take a page out of Wenger’s book? You should know they only call him ‘Le Professeur’ out of sarcasm. I didn’t get that at first either.

Fielding your defensive line midway up the length of the field, was always going to be a stupid idea. It’s ironic that you let in more goals last afternoon, than Mourinho did in his first season. Yes, you got it that wrong.

Trust me, I know Chelsea often believes it has a God-given right to take Arsenal for granted. I mean let’s face it. This Arsenal squad without Cesc and Nasri, are like the muppets of Sesame Street. Sure they teach you a valuable lesson every now and then, but for the most part they look like they’re about to break into a song and dance routine. And yet you managed to lose to them. It’s inexplicable, really. It couldn’t have been a psychological thing after seeing their squad name-sheet, because most of them have names you’d give a cuddly Cocker Spaniel.

I can even understand Chelsea losing to Sunderland at The Bridge last season. But Arsenal’s a side that comes here and expects to lose to us. Wenger probably even had a post-match concession speech prepared for Saturday’s game about how Chelsea were desecrating the beautiful game. Thanks to you, he won’t get to deliver it now. A potential Youtube classic wasted down the drain.

But in your defense two of their goals were borne out of extraordinary circumstances. When Theo Walcott went to ground, I too thought he’d just lie there. Who knew he’d dig a tunnel Ai?? la The Shawshank Redemption and come up behind Chelsea’s defensive line and score. You just can’t prepare the boys for this stuff, I tell you.

And then, yes I noticed, Terry slipped. Again.

It must have been the easiest goal Robin Van Persie ever scored. Terry’s slips do tend to cost Chelsea a lot. Fortunately for Chelsea, he’s never slipped on any hard surface that might have caused him some damage. He’s been lucky that way. So far he’s only slipped on that wet Moscow field, on the pitch last afternoon and then that time in Wayne Bridge’s house right into his bed. And all three times he’s either had a bundle of grass, or a hot chick smoking grass, to break his fall. Some guys have all the luck.

I’m sure you’ll have complaints that Wojciech Szczesny wasn’t red-carded. He should have been. But it would have been of little use to Chelsea even if he had got his marching orders. In case you’d forgotten, Manuel Almunia no longer plays for the Gunners. Don’t you just miss those days when Manuel stood there between the Arsenal goalposts looking confused as ever? We don’t value the blessings we have until they’re gone.

At the end of the day, I must sadly insist no matter how you try to spin it, most of the blame remains yours. I know you were trying to cheer Roman up after his failed bid by making him feel at home. But playing Russian Roulette on the field with his millions was not the way to do it. The defense was such a shambles on both sides, for a moment, I thought I was witnessing a penalty shootout. Chelseaai??i??s always been terrible at those. Come to think of it, 3-5 does sound like a penalty-shootout scoreline.

I think you might want to tamp down Roman’s expectations in private. Tell him you’ll target a 3rd spot this season and break it to him gently. If he scowls, you might want to check his credit card statement to see if he’s hired any hitmen recently. Scolari found out the hard way. If Roman smiles and agrees, then you’ve got yourself a breather. Or it’s possible he didn’t understand a word you said.

If he doesn’t agree, and tells you midway through the next game, that you need to start looking for a new job, don’t take it personally. You can come here and join me in Sicily. Nothing like the warm Mediterranean waters, and a hefty “voluntary retirement” pay-off, to wash the embarrassment away.

Yours Truly,

Carlo Ancelotti

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18 Responses to “THT Travesty: Chelsea 3 – 5 Arsenal : A Letter To Andre Villas-Boas”

Read below or add a comment...

  1. Hate Chlesea says:

    Your arrogance is not really surprising, i’ve come to expect it from Chelsea fans. Just remember that your history only started in 2004.

    And if you really wanna go on about taking us for granted, look at the Premier League head to head record between the two teams. We’ve taken more points off you than any other team.

    Do your research before opening your mouth please.

  2. Hate Chlesea says:

    And the fact you’ll probably moderate this says it all.

  3. A says:

    Sorry, if that was intended to be funny, it wasn’t at all. It only comes off as arrogant, even if it wasn’t meant to be.

  4. mikey says:

    ha ha, no in all honesty, you’re an idiot. I thought about reading the whole article and then I got distracted by a bit of paint drying on the wall. Your team is filled with immobile, aging and overpaid has-beens and the you’ll be found wanting by many other teams over the course of the league. Face it, you’re no longer what you thought you were. Don’t bother replying to this, I won’t be coming on this site ever again. I’m a bit embarrassed that I commented in the 1st place but then again, I’m probably not as red-faced as I’m sure you were on Saturday. Mug!

    • Not Fergie says:

      It shows from your response that you haven’t read it. If you had, you’ll see he’s actually ripping Chelsea.

      Time to return to kindergarten and redo those reading exercises.

  5. inder says:

    I enjoyed reading the piece:) the sharp wit :)

  6. Greg says:

    I’m sorry but have just made a fool out of yourself… That’s just bitterness coming from knowing who the real boss of London is and always was. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. komo says:

    You are just as confused as your coach! AVB. And hete chelsea rightly said. Your history is as short as your memory in the EPL. Next time you want to cry abt losing please research . And calling for AVB head is not the solution. CFC should learn that sacking coaches is not always the solution!

  8. Matt says:

    Hahahahaha. Terrrible article mate. Take off the blue spectacles and have a good look around.

  9. Darty says:

    Heh Heh ! Touched some Red & White nerves there me thinks. Well said. We’ll see who finishes higher especially when RVP gets injured soon.

  10. Quite funny and witty article… And this is coming from a diehard Arsenal fan. Keep up the good work! And don’t be slipping on any wet surfaces anytime soon!

  11. afc says:

    sh*t club no history.

  12. Shankar says:

    Funny article.. and nice read… whats more funnier is the comments section..some fans cant take it in the right way ๐Ÿ˜€

  13. CrazyGooner says:

    I like the humor in this article! Can’t believe Gooners are taking this way too seriously! Seriously guys, it’s just tongue-in-cheek here, and both Arsenal and Chelsea are being mocked at!

  14. Darty says:

    Just proves how petty & pathetic gooners are really. The ORIGINAL arrogant club, with the Original arrogant manager, and their original arrogant fans. Getting all excited about a game which could of gone either way,but 2 crap goals from the fraudster Wallcott & a poor back pass with a JT slip & of course the obligatory Ref helping hand for the keeper. You’d of thought they’d won the league. When’s the DVD out by the way.

  15. Arsenal Fan says:

    I’m a life long arsenal supporter and i thought this article was pretty funny so stop whining and lighten up abit !

    • Shivam, and i love my CFC says:

      Really some of the arsenal fans are cun*s to say the least, but happy to see others took it in the stride…its actually aimed at chelsea so how are the gooooners offended is beyond me :P…well written and funny article,
      and for the guy who said he aint cmng again, go fark off mate, who cares!
      and the one who says Chelsea have no history, i have heard that dickless argument a million times…i dont care if ur team was the greatest in the prehistoric times really ๐Ÿ˜€