Since the days of Copernicus, mankind has gone through an incredible paradigm shift. Nobody played football back then, they do now. Obviously, nobody cared or even knew about football transfers back then, they do now. Nobody spoke absolute ‘bollocks’ about football back then, well, they do it now. But, one thing hasn’t changed; it remains a constant like the unperturbed sunrays or like the enchanting rain droplets. And that is, ‘Everybody hates moving from their motherland to some alien land.’
Francesc “Cesc” Fàbregas is a regular human being, with exceptional footballing skills, but certainly not an exception to the above rule. Being fed with the most amazing pastries (his mother being the owner of a pastry company) in the beautiful coastal town of Villassar de Mar, Cesc had a remarkably nourishing and extremely pleasant childhood. At the tender age of 10, little Cesc would be taken to the Barcelona Academy where the famous ‘El Avi Uyol Barcelona For Life DNA Plantation’ ceremony would take place. Since many won’t know about the convoluted procedure, let me give a clear and concise picture of the same. Normal footballers who would want to ‘shine in life like a crazy diamond’ are inducted into the Barcelona Academy, treated with electric shocks, fed with peculiar shaped dark green leaves, nauseated with stories of Miguel Bernardo Bianquetti, tormented with ‘El Clasico’ video recordings and finally injected with a very high dosage of specially designed Barcelona Deoxyribonucleic acid which, legend has it, was first tested on a teenage ‘Pep’ Guardiola in 1984. After the ‘El Avi Uyol Barcelona For Life DNA Plantation’ ceremony, completely reformed footballers would be asked to take an oath which would keep their ‘heart’ at Barcelona till the end of their life, even if their ‘bodies’ leave Catalunya and travel elsewhere like zombies.
Circa September of 2003, Arsenal decides to send their scout team to the land of Catalunya, and bring to Arsenal, the little dynamo of Cesc Fabregas. From then onwards, he would be an Arsenal player, with his body at London but unfortunately with his ‘heart’ at Catalunya, since, bringing the all important myogenic muscular organ was biologically impossible. With time, Cesc would grow into an important figure in the middle of Arsenal’s attacking setup. He would earn tremendous amount of respect and love from Gooners, the world over. His unparalleled ability of finding the ‘eye-of-the-needle’ passes along with his silken touches on the football, would make him one of the most exciting young footballer in England. He would develop into an imposing figure in the Arsenal midfield and become the club captain, not to the surprise of anyone around.
Present Day, July of 2010, the transfer market has been shaken to the cumulative turbulence of ‘Advances from Barcelona players’. Every soul who had been injected with the sacred ‘EAUBFL DNA’, has voiced their opinion about how Cesc loves Barcelona and about how Arsenal have kept him hostage in The Emirates, North London. We, at Arsenal are quite aware of how much a child loves his mother, about how every child abducted by aliens wants to return to their mother-land. Cesc is our captain and club symbol and is most importantly 23 years old, he is a mature adult who can take his own decisions. If he chooses to stay at Arsenal, it won’t be because his ‘Godfather’ wanted him to, but it’ll be because he knows and understands what is right for him. There is no need for these irksome voices from Catalunya. In fact, why do they even speak for Cesc? Are they all agents of our captain? Are they bestowed with the responsibility of speaking on behalf of Cesc due to some universal holy bondage? Will they cry if Cesc cries? Will they collectively break their noses if Cesc breaks his? Will they laugh, if we tickle Cesc? Will they bleed, if we poke Cesc with a needle? Will they jump into the English Channel if Cesc does the same? Well, no, I don’t think so, unless they are completely retarded.
We, at Arsenal, respect other football clubs and their players, except of course Tote-en-ham Hot Spore, but that’s beside the point. We are never refuting the fact that Cesc would want to go back to his ‘holy’ land, but we would really appreciate if you can shut your big mouth and let the player decide where he wants to stay now. Let there be some tranquility so that you can carry on with whatever you want to carry on, and we can concentrate on our football with Cesc being the central figure in our scheme of things. We have told you repeatedly that we have absolutely no intentions of selling our captain, so please try to understand whatever English you can understand and try to take a hike.
With loads of love and without any artificial DNA,
A frustrated Gooner!